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Today is the first day since Sunday that I've felt even somewhat human. Generally, I don't drink. I don't like the taste of alcohol, and I don't like the way it makes me feel. And I sure as hell don't like the effects it has on my body. But I tied on a MOTHER of a drunk Saturday night. I don't know that I've ever been that bad off before. I was asked to speak at an afternoon ceremony at the University of Miami's law school, and I did . . . which shouldn't have been a big deal. I speak at events like that all the time. The problem was that, somehow, I really don't know how, I ended up with about five of the graduates that night, including one who was drop dead beautiful. She and a few of her friends found my condo and came knocking on my door. She was hispanic but she almost looked middle eastern. Twenty-five years old and beautiful. To be honest, I've had more than my share of beautiful women in my lifetime, especially when I played ball for Florida State. But that was a long time ago, and me and my (male) partner have been completely monogomous for way over ten years. I didn't sleep with this girl, but I came awfully close. I also drove all over South Beach with her in my car. That freaks me out as much as anything. I could have killed someone. It started out as just innocent fun in this great club on Ocean Drive, dancing to Jennifer Lopez singing "Let's Get Loud." (I remember being immensely grateful for all those advanced salsa classes I'd taken over the years.) but then there was Lots of tequila. Lots of tequila. At one point I must've said something to her about our age difference because I remember her saying, "What? You're not more than thirty-four or thirty-five, and I've dated men that age." After that, I was a goner. I know all this is just my own sick pathology, my dissatisfaction with aging, manifesting itself. But now I've got to go to my partner and explain this crap about the girl. Has anyone here ever sat down with a psychologist or psychiatrist and discussed their problems with aging? I think that's what I'm going to do. See, I'll flirt, subtlely, with almost anyone who's receptive, but not in a serious way. I think in the past I've done it to get my way more than anything else, and I started doing it as a kid. I once had opposing counsel accuse me of "practically flirting" with a jury. But nowadays, it's different. I feel like I'm looking for some kind of validation. What I did with this girl was nothing more an attempt to see if I could. And who knows? Maybe she did think I was a lot younger than I am, and maybe she really liked me (God knows she called my cell phone a hundred times), but my point is that I needed validation so badly that I ended up hurting someone I love, and that's a real problem for me. It's also a first.
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HateMeI'mALawyer wrote: I guess I'm doing it now, including my experience with the latina chick, to gain some sort of reassurance that I'm still viable and that I haven't aged out. Any thoughts? And what's wrong with that - its only human - everyone does it - Hate me, you are a very good looking dude and you will still be "viable" for a good many years - and actually after seeing your picture I would take you for mid thirties - so chill out already - for men age is not that important in the romance dept. at least in the hetero world - I think gay men are a bit more hung up about it - but I think a straight man's chances in the straight world get's better as he gets older, especially if he has a great profession - I remember when I was 24 I was madly in love with a 56 year old surgeon - the fact that he was head of surgery and worked on famous people was a great turn on for me - and he still looked great - he was long and lean with a shock of steel gray hair - he was also a good friend of Prince Philip - so all this was enough to turn my 24 year old head - and the fact that the love was reciprocated was the icing on the cake - of course the relationship ended as we live in the real world and when I was 30 I "woke up" LOL - he was then in his mid sixties, still handsome but I fell in love with someone my own age - Cest la Vie ...
Hotels in Cleveland
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Yikes, I've got rewrite my last sentence up there. I'm not asking for thoughts on my "viablity"; I'm asking for thoughts on my psychosis. Good God, the way I composed that last sentence is awful. That's not what I meant. Edit: Okay, that's better.
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EVERYONE in my family has had this aging issue. My second husband (14 years my junior) was my 'validation'. He also thought I was a lot longer younger than I was when we met--even though he didn't care how old I was when I told him my age. Like Laz, we moved on--him to a younger woman. All of my siblings (and me) all suffer(ed) from fear of aging. Our father did too. I have no clue why it bothers some people more than others. It does not seem to bother my DH in the least, other than his health ills. I struggle with it daily! I think I always will. Maybe it is plain self-acceptance? I dunno. I just try to stay away from looking in mirrors so that I don't obsess on it all even more. We all make mistakes and do really dumb stuff we regret later. That is human nature. I learned the hard way that a good looking, younger guy was not the right answer in the long term even though it made me feel really good about myself in the short term. HOWEVER, when it was over I felt worse than ever. Ugh!!! As for telling your partner, unless you are telling him because you're afraid he will find out otherwise and be really pissed or hurt, maybe telling him is not the best idea. A therapist once told me that he does not agree that telling your (totally unknowing) partner you strayed is necessarily always the best tact, as it only serves to relieve your conscience but really hurts the other person and leaves them with a sense of loss. Now, whether that is the best way or not, I'm not sure. If I had ever strayed and knew there was no way it would ever be revealed, I would not be telling anyone. But, if I thought it could get out and hurt my loved one worse, I would reveal. I really never wanted to know how many women my ex cheated with on me, I didn't need that kind of pain. It would certainly not have made me feel better. Just my two cents...
DCNGA has left the board and is no longer taking PMs. She requests that if you wish to e-mail her to use her direct e-mail address which is: laserandiplsupport@gmail.com
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It's very kind of you to take the time to tell me all this, DCNGA. I think that I just sort of lost it a little this morning when I posted this. Not that I'm not still freaked out; I am. But I'll deal with it and I'll live. Thanks again.
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I'm sure you know this but the drinking spoiled your judgement. I bet your partner would be more upset if this had happened with another guy. Just chalk it up to a learning experience.
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Oh yeah. You are right and thanks for reminding me, Stache. I met my ex when I was drinking. LOL.
DCNGA has left the board and is no longer taking PMs. She requests that if you wish to e-mail her to use her direct e-mail address which is: laserandiplsupport@gmail.com
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HM(can't bring myself to call you Hate Me)the saying "drink was taken" explains most of this. Your inhibitions and judgement are down and your immediate gratification makes the ramifications of your actions temporarily nonexistent.
With that said, many of us are on this board because we have an inflated sense of the importance of our looks. This seems to be particularly difficult in straight woman and gay men as they approach an age milestone, especially if they are used to being attractive to others. They may use it and feel that as they age they will become "invisable" as some call middle aged woman. You are a handsome and accomplished man. I'm certain you were a smokin hot boy. Your features and the way you take care of yourself suggest that you will age gracefully and remain a handsome man.
Caring too much about our looks is somewhat of a curse. I realize that the way I look means very little to any one but me. My husband would like it more if I were less intent on looking good. I think even my patients might even like me a little frumpier. I have discussed aging and beauty with my husband, who is a psychiatrist. Granted it is different when you're talking to your husband because he can say what he really thinks, like "Oh God in heaven don't bring this up again you are so vain" while standing naked in the shower (this is frowned on during paid sessions including the naked part). I think the mixture of the momento mori of aging versus the invinciblity of youth is part of it. The feeling that you will not be wanted if you are not dewy and young is part of it. Just my opinion but I think this is harder for people without kids. We don't have a reference point for the passage of time. Sometimes I am aroud younger people and I feel that I am their age then kind of freak out realizing that my world is completely different than theirs.
Bottom line, I don't think there is an answer to your question except that we have to look at our whole selves and our whole lives and put our looks into perspective. I can't say I'm very good at it but I do think that's what we need to try to do.
As for telling your partner, it totally depends on if your relationship is built of brutally telling everything, in which case you will tell him at some point in the future which may make it more painful. If you don't tell him it may be because you realize that this freaked you out partially because of how much you care about him and how the aging/beauty thing disturbs you and you don't want to find yourself tequilla soaked with a youngster in the future, thus chalked up to a learning experience.
If you do have another slosh, please take a cab.
I cyber support you. Woosh. I have just removed your self loathing with my magic wand.
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It seems like the alcohol was the problem. What you were doing, getting validation of your attractiveness by interacting with a very beautiful young girl, was a little selfish, but probably not something we haven't all done a bit of. You show a lot of self awareness and consideration for others by your concern over your partner's feelings, and your remorse now is much more than most would feel in the same circumstance (since you didn't actually cheat). So I would "chalk it up to experience" and not worry about it so much. The "getting older" stuff is something we all have to deal with. I spend a lot of time around my Mom and many of my parents' older friends who REALLY are old. They deal with their friends dying and feeling poorly and not being able to do much. Maybe I am only trying to convince myself, but I think age is relative, and we all have a lot of youth in us even into our 50's, 60's and 70's (plus there is PS to help with the aesthetic stuff....)
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hateme, i'm going to give it to you straight because i think you can handle it. from one narcissistic queen to another:
your low esteem is not due to aging. its due to inner emptiness. your mind has run out of 'illusions and titles' to chase. you like to chase 'images and titles'. you need to find your inner strength due to character accomplishment. looking for validation is a human and necessary thing. its WHERE you look for validation. if your validation comes from 'titles and images' its fleeting and leaves you feeling empty. its needs to come from within AND then from those closest to you. like a partner, family member or friend. sorry to be so personal but i always pick up an inner yearning from you for something solid. that's what comes thru most to me in your post.
even though there is something boastful and pretentious about you, you are still very likeable because the above ^^ make you very human.
you even said in your post that you feel "human" again today (the day you're sharing this experience) maybe feeling "human" isn't a bad thing for you.
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I totally get your feelings, HateMe. I'm 38, and it's like I'm counting down the days until I'm 40, as if my whole world will change for the worse at that point. I think we all FEEL like we're in our 20s most of the time, all the while knowing that as we age other people's perceptions of us will not match how we feel on the inside. So we try to stave off the aging process on the outside in the hopes that people will see us as WE see us. And yes, we want validation of what we want others to see in us. At our lowest points, we look in the mirror and see a glimpse of ourselves when we are tired and weary and worn-out, or see a picture of us that doesn't match up to how we feel on the inside. And that's a scary thing sometimes.
Sorry you had such a momentous weekend. It sounds like it was fun while it was happening, but that the aftermath wasn't worth it. Chalk it up to a harmless mistake and let it go. Then if you want to talk to a professional about it, it wouldn't hurt to do that either.
Take care.
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The first time I saw a new shrink type doc (genetic depression/anxiety) he asked who did my eyes!
I told him it was a short scar f/l and showed him my faint scars.
Next appointment, I went in and he had had his eyes done by my doc.
For some reason, I think this story is hilarious. But more on point, one day I asked him what he thought of me seeing my ex-husband for a day. We are both remarried but keep in touch occasionally. My doc says there is too little love in this world and that we need to stay close with our chosen family. He did not advise telling my current husband.
jenny32301
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I really like the honesty of this post...from HM as well as everyone who has responded with their own slant on the topic.So I'll add my 2 cents and say to HM, show this whole thread to your partner.It reveals a lot about you that may be important to share.You didn't actually cheat on him but a lot happened that shows some inner things that motivated your actions.I wouldn't be surprised if he has similar feelings.
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I want you all to know how much I appreciate your posts in this thread, and I hope my gratitude comes across as heartfelt. For some reason, this board is a safe place for me. (I'm not saying that it is a safe place; I'm just telling how my mind sees it.) I'm not completely out in the legal community, and almost all of our friends are my partner's, so it's nice to get the input of those who are "mine," even if they're cyber. Chris K, you're the first person to ever call me a "narcissistic queen," so I appreciate your honesty. My dad was a pretentious snob, and I hated that aspect of him. I swore to myself that I would never be that, and I thought I'd suceeded. Maybe not. In my field so much is based on perception. Because of that, lawyers are expected to engage in a fair amount of "posturing," but I promised myself a long time ago that all that stuff got left in the courtroom. I absolutely don't take it home, and it doesn't manifest itself in my personal life. I'm the guy who is chronically nice. I'm proud of my accomplishments because I really don't do anything but work . . . and a huge part of my self worth comes from the work I do. In all truthfullness, I don't think I care about "titles" and what not. I just don't. In any event, I'm still in the mulling-it-all-over stage, trying to figure out what the best thing to do is about everything, and once again, I am grateful for the help here. I don't want to upset my partner just to alleviate my own guilt . . . but what I did was totally out of line. My partner and I have always trusted each other implicitly, and I mean implicitly. If he says it's so, then by God, it's so, and it works the other way around, too. Anyway, thank you to everyone here.
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She may have the "mountain climber mentality" about you. It is difficult to tell what you are most upset about... having your head turned? Driving after drinking? I wonder if it is that this girl exposed a huge vulnernability in you -- that the right (young) face could come along, say the absolute right words to you, and you engage in this risky behavior, which is not like you from what you wrote. I think everyone is vulnerable to things like this, quite honestly. Maybe your "guard" was down just a little extra lately for some reason. But I think it is really good you stayed true to your guy despite the temptation.
Hopefully things will work out OK and this girl won't get all obsessed.
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Technically you did not cheat. Buy hubby some nice flowers.
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(God knows she called my cell phone a hundred times)
I'd say you dodged a bullet. I'd be more afraid than flattered! Any person, man or woman, who has a true and healthy interest in you would find a way to express it while exercising more restraint.
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LOL Kosmeds...all that calling sounds neurotic to me too.
It could be that you are in shock that you like the opposite sex.
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Geez HateMe, I don't want to dash a bucket of ice cold water on your angst, but stop beating yourself up! Maybe I don't know you ... but it sounds as if the "cheating on your partner" is what's eating you. You say you've been monogamous for years. But what's far more important than that is how genuine your feelings are for your partner. I think it's built into our DNA to dally about - we can't switch off the impulse to look around, experiment, push the envelope, and yes, even get involved with other human beings. Who knows what the trigger is? Alcohol only lowered your inhibition. You went wild! A gorgeous gal and her pals flung themselves at you, and you responded like a human with a built-in instinct. It's like a Brink's truck bumping down the freeway when the rear doors open and sacks of MONEY fall out. How many folks do you think would endanger their lives to grab what they could - anonymously - and run from the scene? Our temptations come in many forms. It's up to you and your character to deal with them. I don't find your behavior at all outrageous. And many would've carried it to the next step - a full-out fling. But if you can forgive yourself, you can gain strength from your awareness of the situation, and move on. You're still with your partner, and what matters going forward is NOT spilling the beans on a weak moment of temptation, but acknowledging every day how special he is, and never taking your relationship (with all its complexities) for granted. Good healing to you! From one who's been there, done that.
I Bug U
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