Having a rough day. I'm trying to climb out of this depression but I'm feeling hopeless. Everyday I look in the mirror and I seem to look more like a sun damaged hag. The natural lighting where I live is no better than using lights so I try to avoid the mirror whenever possible. At work I can't even look in the mirror in the bathroom - the lighting is so harsh that the mottled skin on my chest just jumps out. I've been trying to find crew neck t-shirts and tops I can wear so that this area is not exposed, and I've adopted the scarf accessory even though I don't exactly like scarfs. I don't want to leave the house. Someone I know committed suicide a couple of weeks ago at 52. Don't worry, I don't have a "plan" but sometimes I think that the future is so bleak and midlife/menopause is so challenging that I understand what drove him to do it.

My depression has worsened by spending time with my sister, a lovely woman, this past week. She deliberately started avoiding the sun in her 20's and it has paid off tremendously. Her skin is stunning for a 57 year old woman. She doesn't have the awful ring of sun damage around her neck and decollete that I have. Her hands are not yellow and wrinkled. She doesn't have wrinkly arms and legs. She is 8 years older than me and we look very much alike so I could have had this but I led a different lifestyle. She was and is not the least bit outdoorsy. I try to console myself by saying that I had a lot more fun swimming and beaching than she did but I absolutely regret ALL of it now, as I had no idea what I would be facing as I approach 50 (next year). We are both performers and she will be able to be on stage well into her 60's due to her sun avoidance. I, on the other hand, feel my performing career coming to an end.

I am seeing the derm next month (medical visit) and am going to ask her about possible cosmetic treatments for my chest, neck and back. I still have a great FEAR of doing anything as I'm afraid of making it WORSE. My face is doing OK, despite it's yellowish tinge, broken caps, freckles but at least I can wear make up....using Retin A and sun avoidance. I have a keratosis starting on my forehead that will eventually make it's way out and I'm hoping the Retin A will help with that. I know the sides of my neck are ruined from all the swimming I did and it is difficult to treat this condition (poikiloderma)...not to mention the yellow hue which does not match my face when I wear make up.

The thing that kills me is that this was all preventable and I was a complete fool, thinking since I always looked quite young that I could safely go in the sun with my Irish skin, wearing Banana Boat #30 and that I would always look young and beautiful. I knew nothing about UVA versus UVB despite my medical background, I never heard of PPD until I found this forum, and was always told I looked "healthy" with a tan.

Sorry, I sound like a broken record but I need to vent somewhere.

Thanks for your reply. Thankfully I am working at home today as I'm just crying off and on all day so far. This occurs at work as well which is not good but I hide in my cubicle until the tears go away. I think part of it has to do with entering menopause. And also last night I saw the man who rejected me over 1.5 years ago (we work together) and he is positively stunning. When we first met and starting dating (3 years ago, I still looked pretty good) I felt that we were well matched in the physical sense but with my increasing age he is soooo out of my league....I look worse yet he looks better than ever, even though he is two years older. It doesn't seem fair but no one said life was fair. I think that if I HAD protected my skin better I'd have had a much better shot with him. Futile and ridiculous thinking. I am thinking of leaving the group we are both in and that also makes me very depressed as it is a great creative and social outlet but the constant reminder of seeing him and knowing I can't have him (and that he clearly doesn't want me) just makes my situation worse.

The crying does sound hormonal, doesn't it?! My expertise in this area is limited:). Hope you feel better soon - let us know how you are doing.

yeah the sunscreen really doesn't seem to work that well. For example, I put on sunscreen everytime I go outside (I don't specifically try to suntan anymore, but I go out for a 30-60 minute walk/run everyday). Yet I still get tan/freckles on my exposed areas (chest/arms)....

Have you tried hormonal therapy? It can really help. I few years back, when I was having an emotional crisis in my life, I tried all different types of antidepressants. Most didn't really help....

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NancyS - I also walk briskly or hike almost every day but if I can't get out early in the morning, I only go after 5 or 6PM. Even then I wear sunscreen and try to stay in the shade! I would probably be suicidal if I did not exercise. Swimming was my exercise of choice but now that will also have to occur only after 6PM, or at an indoor pool (which I stopped doing about a year ago, can't stand the chlorine...)

I think maybe I should look into hormonal therapy but I still get my period so maybe I'm not there yet...

Agree, the antidepressants did not work at that well for me either and the side effects were unbearable. Although once when I was 35 I took Zoloft for 9 months for depression and it DID help but I could not sleep. I don't want to get hooked on them either.

Well it sounds like you're doing everything right. I hope you feel better soon. You might try going to a doctor to see what your hormones are doing. In the years preceding menopause they can fluctate wildly. During that period I mentioned when I tried antidepressants I was also crying wildly at work. It was about five years before I stopped menstruating. I saw a doctor who said my hormones were all off balance. She wanted to put me on the pill to even out my hormones and mood. Luckily I eventually worked out the situation on my own (had to remove myself from the bad situation, my job, though). But my point is that hormones can be in fluctuation in the years preceding menopause.

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Ditto to Everything ChrisK and CASSVersion2.0 said. I've by passed my late 40's and am now 53. I've gone through menopause - Hallelujah!- and no longer dwell on the getting older thing...as much. One of the nice things about getting older is my eye sight is going, too. When I look in the mirror, I am slightly out of focus and can't see the flaws as much :-).

Hi RM,
I'm sorry you're feeling do down. Our looks are so closely tied with how we feel about ourselves, so I understand how you feel.
But I still think you should consider seeing a competent dermatologist. There's many lasers now that may help. But do your research before you jump in to any treatment.
In the meantime, have you tried Retin-A on your neck/chest? You can apply sparingly, thin layer, there and skip a night or two. Try it slowly though, if you have done it before. Or you can also try Avage, which is somewhat more potent and can work faster for sun damage. It may not get rid of all the damage, but can help to a point.

About your romantic rejection..at least you are attractive enough to have men interested in you now. Even though you may not like them, they found you attractive, so it means you are not unattractive. I know several women in their 20s,30s who are unfortunately not attractive even though they look young, so have trouble finding dates. Men are very visual and they look at attractive faces first. Even though a woman can be incredibly fit,but the face is not pretty enough, the man will often say she's a buttaface. Ever heard that term? This is what happens to some young women.
So being young is not everything, in terms of attracting mates.
Sure, it helps alot to look youthful, but I always think beauty don't necessarily have to be accompanied with looking 'young'. So many women are young but not pretty. Yes, of course, lots of plain young women get men all the time. But as they get older, they get less attention. I have heard this from women even starting mid 30s, and they don't even have very visible aging yet.

If that guy at work found you attractive enough to date you 3 yrs ago, that means you are attractive enough, and it most likely has nothing to do with your sun damage. Many times men just want to date much younger women to feed their ego. Some guys go through a mid-life crisis at 40ish, some later. I have a long time male acquaintance who's early 40s, recently divorced (2 kids) and told me he wants to date only 25-28 yr olds. He once met one of my friends, who's 34, but looks mid-late 20s, and was interested in her, until he found out her age. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that she still several yrs younger than he was anyway. But he has this fixation with dating a 20 something woman. I think it's just a mid life crisis.
Anyway, my friend didn't like him anyway since even though he's attractive looking, he's not an interesting person at all, and dull to be around.

Which brings me to another point, why don't you give other men a try, whom you aren't 'very' attracted to physically? I personally prefer to date men whom I find interesting and a good person 'inside', not just the exterior beauty. I know we all need to find some physical attraction to a romantic partner, but I have found men who are 'ok' looking but fascinating to talk to, and just interesting as a person, and fell for them, rather than just a guy who's simply hot. When I was in my early 20s, I used to care more about looks, but now in my 30s, looks aren't as important to me, when it comes to dating. Of course they do count to a point, but I would rather be with someone I actually 'like' as a person, and who likes me as a person as well.

Maybe you are too concentrated on thinking how stunning that guy you dated is, and how you can't have him. Maybe he's also a good person, I don't know. But if he was truly interested in 'you' as a person he wouldn't have dumped you. Don't you want someone to really care about you, who you can have a future with, if you could? At least that's how I see things.

I know it sucks to feel rejected, especially if you have to be around the guy. But I think you should forget about him, and give other men a chance. There's lots of men who may have more in common with you, and you may find someone who really likes you for you. Even young beautiful models/celebs have been cheated/dumped. So it's not just about looks sometimes.

I don't know if all this is any consolation, but I'm just trying to get you to look at things in a different way. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not that old anyway. So many women living much longer these days and are still active and lead fulfilling lives for decades past menopause. Maybe travel, go to a place you've never been before, meet new people. You may discover new interests, new friends, and maybe feel happier.
I know looks are still important, but in the meantime while you work on finding ways to improve your skin, try to stop thinking about that guy (which seems to have really damaged your self esteem).
I hope you feel better soon.

That might be a SMALL factor with a some guys...but the main reason is, its evolutionary. Girls in between the ages of 19 and 23 are the most fertile, the least likely to have a miscarriage, and are the least likely to yeild offspring with a birth defect. Even if a man does not want to have kids...this does not cancel out his biological instinct.

That's such a small age range though. Could be true for some guys, but you'd be amazed to see how many women these days are looking younger simply by good skincare, sun protection, etc. There's women I know late 20 who still look early 20s, and often it's hard to determne exact age. There's plenty of women walking around NYC who are beautiful and guys can't tell if they're 23 or 30. They just see hot. Also at my job we had a receptionist age 31, whom all the guys voted the hottest and best looking, most wanted to date her...even though there were 22-23 yr old pretty girls, some hot too, but the 31 yr old was more beautiful, and they all thought she was still in her 20s. You can't always tell age by looking at a woman, especially these days when women are taking care of themslves more than ever.
Would you turn down a date with a very pretty 29 yr old, even if you knew her age?
Most women I know late 20s to mid 30s are still getting plenty of male attention.