|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
, Member
Joined: 5/15/2008
Posts: 5,941
Points: 16,585
Location: Payne Whitney Ward #3
|
A good friend sent this to me and I figured Miss J in particular could use a few laughs -
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/23/2009
Posts: 701
Points: 2,127
|
LMFAO! I keep getting on here with only like 5 minutes to spend because I'm cleaning house like a mad-woman for company tonight, and so glad I hopped on and saw the Humor thread. My favorite kind. Stache, this is HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for posting it! So many funny ones, but this one really got me: ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fightI'm copying this whole page to send out. Thanks for the laugh!
 "Annie Bean Sprout"
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 9/30/2008
Posts: 1,692
Points: 7,624
Location: UK
|
i vote voodoo for the silliness AnnieB wrote:LMFAO!
I keep getting on here with only like 5 minutes to spend because I'm cleaning house like a mad-woman for company tonight, and so glad I hopped on and saw the Humor thread. My favorite kind.
Stache, this is HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for posting it!
So many funny ones, but this one really got me:
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight
I'm copying this whole page to send out.
Thanks for the laugh!
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
, Member
Joined: 9/23/2008
Posts: 3,522
Points: 7,949
|
These are a riot. Where is Hateme?? LOL
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 5/15/2008
Posts: 602
Points: 1,927
Location: Bar, Restaurant at the End of the Universe
|
LOL, stache! Valentine's Day makes me grouchy, and this gave me a laugh! Thx!
Pay no attention to Caesar. Caesar doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s really going on. Kurt Vonnegut
|
|
Rank: Administration
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/14/2008
Posts: 17,556
Points: 44,684
|
Cute but I heard them before. LOL
If anybody knows of any orthopedic doctors, in Boston or Concord MA area who are conversant in FEMORAL ACETEBULAR IMPINGMENT, please let me know.
Cancel above request. My hip is now too far gone. Need a total hip replacement.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
Joined: 7/11/2008
Posts: 5,110
Points: 11,898
|
Very funny jokes, I liked them all.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/23/2009
Posts: 701
Points: 2,127
|
Happened upon this looking up something for tummy tuck. Not sure why this pic came up, but isn't this the cutest thing? Poor cat can't be healthy, but she's adorable. 
"Annie Bean Sprout"
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
, Member
Joined: 5/15/2008
Posts: 5,941
Points: 16,585
Location: Payne Whitney Ward #3
|
OMG that poor thing!
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 7/23/2009
Posts: 701
Points: 2,127
|
stache wrote:OMG that poor thing! I know. Really I should not laugh, he looks about to explode. That is one fat cat. Honestly I probably should not have even posted this pic! His poor life shortened by being too fat. I would love to hold him though. He looks so cuddly.
"Annie Bean Sprout"
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
, Member
Joined: 9/23/2008
Posts: 3,522
Points: 7,949
|
I thought I saw a puddy tat.... I did, I did see a puddy tat!!!
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 8/27/2008
Posts: 2,174
Points: 7,603
|
LOL Stache. Thanks for the laugh, I have been feeling so crappy the past few days that I really needed it.
"My friends, love is better than anger.
Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair.
So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And we’ll change the world."
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Member
Joined: 8/27/2008
Posts: 2,174
Points: 7,603
|
AnnieB wrote:Happened upon this looking up something for tummy tuck. Not sure why this pic came up, but isn't this the cutest thing? Poor cat can't be healthy, but she's adorable. That is appalling... People like that shouldn't be allowed to have pets.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."
|
|
Rank: Administration
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/14/2008
Posts: 17,556
Points: 44,684
|
Funny pic. Would make a nice greeting card but one would have to morph the person out of it and just keep the cat. I see fat cat funny cards a lot in the store.
If anybody knows of any orthopedic doctors, in Boston or Concord MA area who are conversant in FEMORAL ACETEBULAR IMPINGMENT, please let me know.
Cancel above request. My hip is now too far gone. Need a total hip replacement.
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Editor
, Member
Joined: 5/15/2008
Posts: 5,941
Points: 16,585
Location: Payne Whitney Ward #3
|
You could float that cat at the Macy's parade!
|
|
|
Guest |
